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07 August 2011 @ 01:45 am
Right now, I'm unable to use my visa debit card anywhere on the internet. Although I have more than enough monies in my account.
I don't know why it keeps getting rejected. :( There's stuff I must buy!

And if I had a million Euros, I would buy this:


and definitely this


Ohhhh my God.
Also a Charmander hoodie, but I won't show you because if I look at it again, I will cry because I can't have it.
mood: geekygeeky
13 July 2011 @ 03:54 pm

So there's this assignment our math teacher gave us about 3 months ago. It's not a lot.
We were supposed to make 10 cards with each of them representing one of the numbers, you guessed it, from 1 to 10 in some way. And then write down a couple of ways we could use them to teach kids something. In kindergarten, so nothing too complicated really.
And we obviously had a long time to do this.

Now I only did it last weekend/last night, so I don't know if I can judgr anyone.
But a huge amount of people thought they could get around doing this by... just not doing it. Although everyone knew she wants to grade it. And after three months, you can't say "I didn't have time to do it!"
So they're all surprised and pissed off because... they have to do their homework? And now they have to do it all in one afternoon. Which is their own fault.

But when I pointed this out, they called me irrational.

Sometimes i wonder what sort of people I'm friends with.
I like them and we have fun and everything, but holy crap can they be stupid and annoying.

First world problems fuck yeah.

In other news, THREE more days until I see Andrew.
I have lots of laundry to do today and I should start packinggg


10 July 2011 @ 09:41 pm

how accurate.
mood: surprisedsurprised
soundtrack: Bright Eyes
07 July 2011 @ 04:35 pm

There's this girl I know from school. Laura.
She tells everyone she knows she's bulimic and anorexic and depressed and God-knows-what-else.

She is most definitely sick, I don't doubt that. I do believe however that her bulimia is just another method to manipulate people. Force them to be nice to her, be her friends.

The reason I'm talking about her is this: there was a point in my life when I would have wanted to be friends with her. "She's depressed, too!", I'd think. And hope I might find someone who can understand me.
Now, I avoid people like that. I do my best to surround myself with happy and mostly healthy people.
It's important that I understand myself and that I don't burden myself with other people's problems.
In a way, I still want to reach out to her and tell her it's okay and I think i understand how she feels. But I could never let her close me now.

That's a good thing, I think.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

06 July 2011 @ 07:44 pm
Today..Collapse )
mood: calmcalm
05 July 2011 @ 02:39 pm
So I went to the doctor my friend Nadine recommended. They usually don't accept new patients anymore, I guess? But they made an exception for me, and I could actually see the doctor right away. That was cool.
He asked what brought me there and I told him. He said "I see" and then went on to ask me just some basic questions for my file - kids, smoking, allergies etc.
Then he asked for how long I would like to stay home.
Haha xD
He kept touching my arm, my tummy (and my back when I left). Nadine told me that would happen. She said if I can endure that, I can stay home whenever I need to, but expect good treatment when I'm seriously~ sick.
So that was good.

I feel stupid right now because I forgot about Tuesday maintenance. Thought I could do some Archaeology on my priest. But nooo. /sigh
I need to find out what time zone Wyrmrest Accord is in and set my alarm for the RP event tomorrow night.
location: Germany,
mood: disappointeddisappointed
03 July 2011 @ 11:10 pm
Hai guise.
I totally decided to start using this livejournal again. I realized that I tend to talk to myself in my head like... I'm planning what I want to tell somebody else. And it's actually really annoying. And it's hard to stop.
But writing stuff down again might help with that.
I know this livejournal used to be full of a ton of emo stuff, but I decided to get rid of the old posts.
(I'm actually still deleting stuff right now, but it's taking forever.)
I can't say I'm happier now or that I have a lot of happy things to say, but I believe it's important to let go of the past.
LJ does not have an option to delete everything at once, so I was forced to look at a lot of things I wrote and remember lots of things that happened. In fact, there were lots of things that I did not remember at all. I talked about movies that I liked. I read the title and could not remember anything about it.
What I realized is that I was a painkillers-abusing alcoholic with an eating disorder and the worst social anxiety you can imagine.
Am I better now?
I don't know. All these years, I never had a therapist. I never talked to a doctor about my problems.

I don't drink as much anymore... and I don't usually drink by myself anymore because I've developed a ~social life~ which is still very confusing to me. HAY U GUISE, I HAS FRIENDS IRL. haha.
We do drink a lot sometimes, though, and they noticed that I drink more than others.
I always take more painkillers than necessary, but usually only when I'm actually in pain. That's better, right? Sometimes I take sleeping pills just for the hell of it.
I'm kind of forced to eat at least 3 times every day now, and I do. I'm not obsessed with a certain weight (or losing it), but I don't exactly enjoy eating either.
There are still a lot of things I'm very very afraid of.
I'm still very very depressed. That hasn't changed at all.
I still have frequent "out-of-control" phases that are really hard for everyone around me. But I'm not half as self-destructive as I used to be.

I don't usually hallucinate anymore. I don't see creepy stuff or hear voices. Just when things are really bad and that doesn't happen too often.

I still really want to run away.

I still haven't found a way to get out of this place.

I'm still in a relationship with Andrew. Well, I probably shouldn't say "still". Heh.
This year has been incredibly hard, but I'm glad things are okay right now.
I'm gonna see him in two weeks and that's great.
We still play WoW, though not as obsessively since we're both busier now.

My parents are.. not necessarily worse, but it was weird to see that this has been going on for so many years. And they can be really hateful for no apparent reason.
What really bothers me about this is that they can still easily hurt me. Oh well.

I'm not going to work tomorrow and seeing a doctor instead. Because I feel sick. Like I'm going to pass out or throw up.
When I was deleting posts, I realized that I talked about those exact symptoms all the time.
But that was when I wasn't eating, right? I'm not sure.

So, am I better? I guess I'm different. A little older. Maybe a little more mature. A little more rational.
Sometimes I still feel like a monster, but most days I know that it's mostly my parents that make me want to die.
With them out of the picture, I have more good days than bad days now.

I just don't think about the future at all anymore.

You know, there was something else I wanted to say, something that made me want to reactivate this account. But I don't remember now, because reading the old entries reminded me of so many things.

What do I need this livejournal for?
Ranting, probably. Sharing? Maybe.
I don't know whether it will be full of emo crap again. Maybe I won't want to use it at all anymore in a few days.

But I really really want Taco Bell.
mood: nauseatednauseated
soundtrack: bright eyes
I'm gonna keep this because it's a good post.
What are 10 things you are thankful for?

1. My health.
My immune system might not be the best, but I don't have any serious conditions and I rarely need a doctor.

2. Andrew.
I don't know where I'd be without him. He has saved me in more ways than you can imagine and I'm grateful for that every day. He's simply the best thing to ever happen to me.

3. My family.
It's not always easy, but I often realize that things could be MUCH worse. My parents have been married for 25 years and at the moment, I don't think anything will change. Having 3 siblings taught me to share, but also to keep things to myself and be selfish. And they were there when whatever is/was wrong with me kept me from having actual friends.

4. My social background
My family isn't the richest, not at all. I didn't always have new or fancy clothes. But I can't remember NOT having something essential. And even with all the financial limits that I grew up with, I'm pretty spoiled. So what would I be like now if my family was rich? You'd probably all hate me, and I wouldn't be happier than I am now.

5. My appearance.
I don't care if you agree or what you think. But I'm definitely not ugly. A lot of people have said I'm pretty/beautiful, and I believe them. I can get attention solely with my looks if I want that. I've always been skinny and chances are I'll never get fat. Hairdressers always like my hair and I really love my eyes. My Mom says my toes look weird, but they're mine, so they're awesome. :]

6. My intelligence.
I'm smart. I can understand a lot of complicated things if I try and I'm good at memorizing technical terms. I am positive that eventually, I will ...have a career of some sort, even if I don't start right now and do what my parents want.

7. Music.
Though I stopped looking for truth in music (because I found it in myself), music is still an important part of my life and it helps me to sort out my feelings. Also, it's a place to escape when all the people and the noise around me become too much.

8. My friends.
I'm never sure how many friends I actually have. There are less than five people right now, that I would actually like to call "friend"... I'm just not good at keeping friends. But still, they have helped me through a lot of hard times and we've had lots of fun together. I'm grateful for having people who choose to care about me.

9. My microwave.
I would be dead without it because I'm way too lazy to cook most of the time. It makes some weird sounds sometimes, but it's still working :]

And last but not least
10. Being alive.
It's as simple as that. I've been to a point where I didn't want to live anymore, not just once, and I'm grateful that I was saved. Because life is beautiful.
mood: accomplishedaccomplished